Differances

What makes you feel not "normal"? For me it is so many things. And I want to feel "normal" or as "normal" as possible. These things make me feel alone and like I have to hide behind lies to feel any type of expected, along with not wanting my daughter to feel these things.

One of my differences is a fear/allergy to weed. It is not like I want to smoke it so that is far from the truth. It is more of because if I'm around it at all my throat closes up I get lightheaded, dizzy. Because of this allergy I have developed an irrational fear to it, basically a phobia of it. Which in the area I live it is widely used, which it makes it hard for me to go to peoples houses to have to explain to them that I can't be around it. I also freak out if I smell it and go into full blown panic attacks.

Here is a little more of the back story and how a lot got started.

The whole story with this is when I was 17 I got high and it effected me badly I had a bad panic attack with it. I never really had problems with panic after that besides any time I smelled weed (that was my trigger). No other problems with this until 2008 I had a bad headache and went to the ER where the nurses messed up my meds and gave me anti-physcoitics (sp) Which I didn't need so that made me have a panic attack and made me go crazy for about a week. After that week I was doing good then about 2 weeks later we had roommates that would smoke weed in our house (which is the original trigger for panic) I thought the meds where messing with me again along with stress of just having a miscarriage and my mom put in the hospital. My roommates said they where not and it was all in my head and I was making myself believe I was smelling weed. One was even trying to consul me and "help me though this". About a month went by of me thinking I was going crazy so I started trying to find things that helped which led to my ocd (which I haven't gotten over). This is where the washing dishes comes from. Turns out we caught them smoking in the house, even blowing it into my room(they thought it was funny seeing me freak out and cry) they also where cooking with it, and putting it in my food. After finding this out I didn't eat for a month because also he was saying how sometimes food I ate could trigger it like caffeine and spicy food. I was close to being put in the hospital because of not eating or drinking anything but bottled water. I had to start over basically in eating habits I would only eat turkey for a month then I would start on a new food. I'm still not 100% back to eating how I was and still won't touch spicy foods or caffeine.



Okay back to my original point of this blog. Is that I want to have chocolate again and a beer every now and then. Lately I have craved a Sminoff and to just have one to relax or just the taste of. I'm tired of worrying about if coco is in food. I really want a Mountain Dew again.

Alot of these do not sound like big things but for me it is. It is constantly in the back of my mind. I have came so far from 2008 but there is still a few things I haven't been able to get back and I'm so scared of how to get that feeling back.Though I am grateful that I can go without every 5 mins thinking I'm going to have a panic attack.