Moving my blog

I think at some point today I will be moving my blog to a different email and different format. Sorry for the inconvenience :-)

All or nothing

I'm trying a drink tonight for the first time in 3 years. I have been wanting a drink for so long. I'm so tried of living my life in fear of stupid things. If I want a drink every now and then I should NOTHING should hold me back to enjoying my life!!!! It is so easy to take for granted the little things. I have been wanting to go to a resturant for so long and just have a beer or glass of wine with my meal. It's not about getting drunk in any way, it is more about flavor. Somethings just go better with wine. Or a nice relaxing bath with a glass of wine at the end of a hard day. I am of age so that is not a factor.


So far I'm three sips in. I think I'm only going to drink just a little to try out. :-)

Today and yesterday

Today and yesterday went great :-). I got a lot done. LM is being so cute lately she is at that stage of falling a lot trying to walk around. She now says good,good,good when she falls and doesn't get hurt. I love it!! Also need to add I finally broke down and got a Gryo Bowl more like gryo fail. That thing didn't work for a second, total waste of money. Last night me and the husband decied to go out to eat, so we went to Friday's to check out the new menu it sucked we ended up paying for our drinks and went to Denny's instead complete WIN!!! YaY!! Then we went to Wal-mart to try to get Nemo no luck :-( and I forgot to go to FYE to see if they have it about to check out some Ebay to try there. Turns out though might have to get Avatar I was flipping the channels to find something for LM when it was time to cook and it was on LM did not move for 30 mins watching it while I cooked me and her dinner. That is about the only time she watches tv. I believe everything is good in moderation even when it comes to TV. Well I think that is about all I have to Blog about right now just wanted to say write something for today :-)

I Know that I will be better

Thought of this and wanted to share it here.

Someone posted this on a forum I read and just wanted to share this, make me smile. And this helps when I get pissed off at a few women that have kids and don't really care, Or take being a parent for granted, and all of the times I want to go off on people that are pregnant and complain about morning sickness and pain.

I Know I Will Be Better

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children - I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child, I have longed and waited, I have cried and prayed, I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to obtain their dreams, I will notice everything about my child, I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing I can comfort, hold and feed them, and that I am not waiting to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream, My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense, that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child, that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads to me, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured, I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment and I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed, I have succeeded, I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort, I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely, I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, or other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth, and when life is beyond hard, I have learned a compassion that only comes from walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

~ Anonymous

I Just have to do a shout-out to this blog!! The food looks amazing!! Frugal in WV

Frugal in WV: Roasted Red Pepper and Pistachio Pesto for Cheese ...: Ninety degree days in May are just not right. Don't get me wrong I love a little bit of warm weather, but when it is too hot to want to co...

Baby Fever/ Mthfr

These last few months my baby fever has went from a 99 to 105. And LM will be 1 year in 2 months so I'm even more feeling the rush to start trying again here in a few months. (want them 2/3 years apart) Though I keep going back and forth about how I feel about it. When it came to trying to have my first baby things didn't go to great for a while. After one of the miscarriages I was diagnosed with MTHFR. Which by the name it looks like motherfucker and that is EXACTLY how I feel about it. Makes it hard to keep a pregnancy and the possibly for stillborn goes up with having it. Along with endometriosis and ovarian cyst my chances of having a living child keeps going down with the years passing by. Honestly I don't know how I feel about another loss. Of of my last ones put me in a bad state to the point I didn't want to get out of bed. I have my beautiful daughter and also I don't want to put her though it. Then there is the fact that what I have is genetic so there is also the chance of spreading it to my kids. Which I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not sure about the risk vs. benefit of that. Then I feel selfish to try again with the possibility of losing the baby or passing this motherfucker of a disease to them. I don't want them to go though what I do. But I do want kids :-( Also I don't want my daughter to be an only child to me she has to have a sibling. What if something happens to me or my husband I don't want my daughter to go though anything alone or everything to be on her shoulders. This is so hard to decide!!!!!! Also there is the feeling of wanting to be pregnant again. I loved every min of it from the throwing up to the kicks to watching her born and take her first breath. I miss those kicks, (even the bruises that she left because my girl can KICK). I even don't care if I have to take tons of icky vitimens that make me feel blah including the ones that I have to not eat for 4 hours or lay down for 30mins. I would do it all again.

Then again I go though the timing of my pregnancy I don't want to be pregnant in August. That is the month of my bad miscarriage. Also I want to be pregnant again most of summer. I loved the fact I could go in the pool at any time. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe!!!

This really needs to be listened to

The Journey through Miscarriage and pregnancy loss 10/17 by ProgressiveParenting | Blog Talk Radio

Short but not to the point.

Today's other blog is going to be short(I think, I always ramble). I have so much to do in a short amount of time. I always think I take more then what I can handle but I somehow always come out ahead just getting there is the hard part. Though I'm in love with the current project I'm working on, a husband is getting deployed and will not be here when his baby is born or for the baby shower. He wanted a diaper bag made out of his uniforms so working hard on that and I must say I can't wait for the finished product. By the way did I tell you I learned about this yesterday and it has to be done by Saturday. Along with a whole nursery designed and finished by next week. EEEEEEEEE!! Also I have so much scrapbooking and picture editing that my eye balls are about to pop out.

I think after I'm done with this I'm going to take a relaxing bubble bath before I start throwing things around because I can't find one little piece to make my sewing machine work!!!! Its the size of a nickel I might have to rig something up.GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

http://averycan.blogspot.com/ SMAvery :(

First agenda of my blogging for the day is to share Avery. She touched my life in the short amount of time I had been following her. And this Angel I hope will touch your life as well. Please if you stumble upon my blog do me one favor and share her story to spread SMA awareness. Please don't let her live go in vein. And take time to cross some things off your bucket list and add some new ones as well.

http://averycan.blogspot.com/

Pregnant Women in Public

Everyone loves to talk, touch a pregnant women in public. But maybe it is best not to??

This has been running though my mind since about a week ago when I was holding LM a certain way with a dress not so flattering. A lady asked me how far along I was which still even though I have a baby it is hard to still think of pregnancy because of how many losses I have had. And my desire to have another one that still is filled with a huge fear of many more losses. This along with keeping up with a few blogs about Mom's not ending a pregnancy even though the outcome doesn't look to great, has got me thinking.

What if the person just miscarried, gave birth to a stillborn, baby might not make it???

There are so many what if's??

There are some that their baby is facing challenges ahead that they want to talk about it to raise awareness.

There are those that want you to ask them because they want to still enjoy pregnancy and want to make the most out of their time they have with their baby's.

What about the ones that are on the verge that day of breaking down and don't want to get reminded of their baby's fate.

Of course I'm not saying for these women it should be taboo to talk about. Because it shouldn't be along with miscarriage. Everyone that wants to talk about it should and they shouldn't be looked down upon for doing so.
And every life has a story to tell whether they are here for a short amount of time or a long amount of time.

I don't really know the answer to any of these questions or even if anyone has the real answers to them. I remember being pregnant with LM and being asked and still being asked if she is my first baby. A lot of times I want to say no and most of the time I do say no because she is not my first baby.

46 Mins to bitch

:-) I have 46 mins to tell you about my day or just something in general because I don't want to go without a day of blogging..

Today I dealt with people at work that made me want to ram my head into a brick walk multiple times. Another server that is okay but pissed me off because I HATE other servers going to MY tables. I got this I have been doing this over 10 years. I'm the highest tipped one there I don't need anyone to go to my tables and lower my tip. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. That highly annoys me and it isn't the fact that I wasn't able to take care of them.

I so miss the other day I got to talk to an old friend for a few hours on the phone. OHHHH, how I missed talking on the phone and not though some social networking site that is complete BS. I miss the time before this text message and internet took over. Do kids even pass notes in school anymore :-(.


I got to play poker today, so great to take out some assholes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt so much better.

Oh and I NEED a shower I now smell worst then a trash can. TMI I know but I'm just free writing whatever comes to my head.


Ah, now that didn't take that long still have 34 mins left of the day. :-)

Suprise, Mom. :-)

I work on Fridays as a waitress and a guy came in. We started talking and he was telling me about he just got to the USA after 5 YEARS of being deployed to Guam in the Navy he was in town to surprise his Mom (tear). But he went by there and she wasn't home so he walked up to my job. We where talking more and I came up with something I wanted to run by him. Which I was going to call his Mom's cell and tell her that she had won a gift certificate but had to come within 2 hours to claim it. Next he asked if there was a florist nearby that he could walk to. Which there isn't one close by so I told him that he has to wait their so I grabbed a phone book and told him to have them deliver it. So 4:15 gets around I call her again and she is on her way I got him to hide  and when she came in he came out and she just started crying. It was so amazing to be a part of and watch. I only wish I had my camera. :-) They thanked me so much and he said that he really couldn't thank me enough. :-)

Becoming a Mommy also makes you a Hypocrite

I think that a lot of times once you become a Mom makes you hypocritical. I know it did me. For example knowing the facts about extending rear facing LM is going to RF as long as her carseat allows which is to 40lbs by the carseat I have. But then I do know some facts about eating organic but I refuse to research more into it because I love some processed food, and do not want to lose my appetite of say occasional hamburger helper. Both can be comparable but because RF can save a life in an instant instead of killing you over time I tend to look the other way with processed food. I however do try to eat better but have cravings that I want to full fill. This guideline is interesting I have noticed with myself, how I'm so you SHOULD do it this way and not this other way. I am like this with the epidural as well I do sometimes look down upon mothers who chose the epidural because I feel that no baby deserves to come into this world drugged up. Also we as women where born to birth, it doesn't last forever.

A lot of times I put up blinders on subjects I'm iffy on or don't particularity want to follow.  But then I try to go all Jackie Chan on subjects I feel every parent should do. Then there are the occasional things I simply are skeptical about say chiropractors. How the hell do they heal everything and why would you take your child there instead of the ER sometimes. And lets not mention this anti-vax movement that will get my blood to a vapor point, which those who can't read between the lines beyond boiling/infuriating)

Then like right now I am thinking and I think myself I do a pretty damn good job at being a Mother and can't think of a lot of things I do "wrong" knowingly. On a lot of things I have researched until I am blue in the face and my fingers are tired of googleing every possible source to make sure it is creditably. There are just somethings I just don't get why not. I understand sometimes somethings about parenting you think you have it in the bag and do not know any better but you can only use that excuse for so long.

There is another thing that pisses me off this going back to my earlier blog about "Computer Gangsta's" Why is it that these (insert subject) nazi's will blap their mouth all over the internet and if they see someone in person going against what they preach online they will not say anything. That I'm not like I have walked up to numerous people and told them in a nice way that how they where using their carseat was wrong and could likely kill their child in the event of a crash. Out of all these times I have only had one person get defensive and that Dad needed some serious counseling or his child taken away from him. In person if you approach the sititution the right way (normally I always say that I did it to in the beginning until someone stopped me and told me) that they have completely changed their outlook. I remember one mother just start bawling because she thought she could use aftermarket items since they where sold to the general public and she immadtly held her baby and told me to rip them out of the carseat and to throw them in the street. Of course I felt horrible but I did explain that me to am still going though that grief of how I brought my daughter home from the hospital LM would have died all the things I did wrong but a carseat just seemed like such a "common sense" thing I didn't think twice about it.

Okay, Okay enough with the car seat talk that isn't my main focus of this blog. But on certain things we as mothers need to take a chill pill and count to ten before chastening someone for how they mother. Because who knows you might be doing something "totally wrong". If you feel you must disagree and give your input unbunch your panties, take the left-over tampon out of your ass then do it in a "best behavior" type manner. Say like it you want your kids to do so later in life with some class and dignity.


Disclamer: If you notice someone doing something that is abusive or can KILL their child then speak up and it doesn't matter how you do it if your getting your point across. Of course try to do so in the nicest way possible if they do not listen then go to more harsher measurements.

To Advertise or not

Should I advertise my blog more? I have no clue that is the question I have been pondering for a few days since I started this writing thing. Of course I would love people to read what I have to say but what about the drama that it brings. Of course I want to remain anonymous because I want the freedom to write what is on my mind. But it is the internet after all and if you dig enough you can figure things out. Then there is the fact I am horrible at keeping secrets, I already told two people about my blog and which one it is. hummm what to do????? Which of course I'm already a little nervous to write stuff because of people knowing who I am, that it isn't that I don't trust them it is the fact that things I think and feel I sometimes find them embarrassing. But I will continue for the time being of writing what is in my head and hope more people stumble upon it. It will be great when people comment and write that maybe something I said either helped them or that they could relate.  Also I have though found this new enlightenment for the block button. :-)

Computer Gangsta

(Forgive my rambling just typed whatever came to mind)

It is very interesting just how many "computer gangsta's" there is in Facebook land. What might you ask is a "Computer Gangsta"  Here is the Urban dictionary definition of it.

	computer gangsta
	A "person" (usually male) who portrays themself as a gang member, badass, or hardened criminal on internet mediums such as forums, IM, or anywhere else they can post their faggotry. Generally, they are either severely overweight or malnourished caucasian suburbanites who listen to gangsta rap and think it makes them an OG. They almost always make threats of physical violence, which is never backed up and only serves to make themselves feel tough, usually because they got beaten up a lot in school, or because they are just weak ass bitches. Will frequently tell lies about how many fights they've won, claim membership in a legit street gang, or any number of other "computer gangstaisms". If you call them on their bullshit they use their typical "thugged out" cyber-defense, but then log off and cry in the corner repeating "I am a thug...I am a thug..." over and over to reassure themselves that they are in fact gangstas. Disregard any threat they make to you and laugh at their fake machismo, it's the right thing to do.   A person who tries to portray themselves as a gangster online on sites such as Myspace, sconex, and blackplanet. These people are normally the very opposite of gangster when met face to face. In these days of social networking so many people seem to hide behind this persona of not being true to who they really are. Bullies of a new error. I have had the pleasure of knowing more then my share of these fake bitches. I will use the word bitch because these are females that do not even deserve the pleasure of being called a cunt, that would be to nice. I came across more recently with these people in a pregnancy group then turned Mommy group then turned into Bitches/drama queens~R~us. I really am amazed at the lack of class people have when they are on a keyboard. Why do you feel you need to make yourself into something you are not, if you hate yourself that much here is a hint CHANGE your real life!!  I guess when it was all said and done. After pregnancy and talking about our vagina's and how often we pooped, then our baby's poop, how leaky our boobs where, spit up, there was nothing else to talk about that was as great as how dilated we where. some women got bored and had to make up drama and lies to stir the pot to make things more entertaining. Of course we had our crazies before that of fake pregnancies, fake miscarriages but after babies where born I figured the motherly nurturing side would come out and we would still be friends and talk about how cute our babies where. So over it and glad I had been done with these people from the moment I smelt skank. Vicous people that will make up the worst lies to get people to "side" with them. To add I must add how half of them turned into complete pussies that could not think for themselves. Believed whatever that was fed to them without batting a eye to grab the pitchforks and torches.

NJ Father Records Teachers Bullying His Autistic Child

NJ Father Records Teachers Bullying His Autistic Child

This is so disturbing what this teacher did to this child. I have to give props for the Father on how he is handling it I would have sued the shit out of the teacher along with more then likely beating her ass for treating my child like that..

Differances

What makes you feel not "normal"? For me it is so many things. And I want to feel "normal" or as "normal" as possible. These things make me feel alone and like I have to hide behind lies to feel any type of expected, along with not wanting my daughter to feel these things.

One of my differences is a fear/allergy to weed. It is not like I want to smoke it so that is far from the truth. It is more of because if I'm around it at all my throat closes up I get lightheaded, dizzy. Because of this allergy I have developed an irrational fear to it, basically a phobia of it. Which in the area I live it is widely used, which it makes it hard for me to go to peoples houses to have to explain to them that I can't be around it. I also freak out if I smell it and go into full blown panic attacks.

Here is a little more of the back story and how a lot got started.

The whole story with this is when I was 17 I got high and it effected me badly I had a bad panic attack with it. I never really had problems with panic after that besides any time I smelled weed (that was my trigger). No other problems with this until 2008 I had a bad headache and went to the ER where the nurses messed up my meds and gave me anti-physcoitics (sp) Which I didn't need so that made me have a panic attack and made me go crazy for about a week. After that week I was doing good then about 2 weeks later we had roommates that would smoke weed in our house (which is the original trigger for panic) I thought the meds where messing with me again along with stress of just having a miscarriage and my mom put in the hospital. My roommates said they where not and it was all in my head and I was making myself believe I was smelling weed. One was even trying to consul me and "help me though this". About a month went by of me thinking I was going crazy so I started trying to find things that helped which led to my ocd (which I haven't gotten over). This is where the washing dishes comes from. Turns out we caught them smoking in the house, even blowing it into my room(they thought it was funny seeing me freak out and cry) they also where cooking with it, and putting it in my food. After finding this out I didn't eat for a month because also he was saying how sometimes food I ate could trigger it like caffeine and spicy food. I was close to being put in the hospital because of not eating or drinking anything but bottled water. I had to start over basically in eating habits I would only eat turkey for a month then I would start on a new food. I'm still not 100% back to eating how I was and still won't touch spicy foods or caffeine.



Okay back to my original point of this blog. Is that I want to have chocolate again and a beer every now and then. Lately I have craved a Sminoff and to just have one to relax or just the taste of. I'm tired of worrying about if coco is in food. I really want a Mountain Dew again.

Alot of these do not sound like big things but for me it is. It is constantly in the back of my mind. I have came so far from 2008 but there is still a few things I haven't been able to get back and I'm so scared of how to get that feeling back.Though I am grateful that I can go without every 5 mins thinking I'm going to have a panic attack.

Welcome to the dark scary side of Motherhood

Sooner or Later you at some point will be welcomed into this club. The club that no one whats to talk about until it happens to someone else. The OMG my baby fell off the couch/bed club. I got my calling to this club this morning, with a wake up call to a loud thump fallowed by crying. We bed-share for the most part and normally I have no issues waking up as soon as LM moves but not this morning she managed to scoot passed me and try to do a stage dive off the bed. Honestly the worst felling in the world. Of course to begin with I started making it worse because I just held her and cried. I think I was crying louder then her. As soon as I composed myself and talked to her and joked with her about it she just started laughing. After she was calm I undressed her and checked her out no red marks. I pushed everywhere on her body expecting a scream but nothing she thought I was tickling her. We then made our way to the living room I sat her on the floor and gave her a snack so Momma could do some Doctor Googleing. And just like I thought there where millions of post how this happens to just about everyone. Just made a call to the Doctor just to be on the safe side, they kind of surprised at me because they expected a first time Mom to be calling in hysterics not a calm Mom. I know though her nap is coming up soon and I'm going to turn from calm mom to checking on her every 2 seconds.

Tired Mommy makes for a bad mommy

Well at least when I'm tired I feel like a horrible Mom. It is like I can't focus on anything. But day dream about just laying on my couch and watching Netflix all day with lots of naps in between. Though today I did manage to give the dog a bath and to clean the bathroom up. Only really because Little Miss needed a bath, other then that I would have waited until tomorrow. I need to do so much but lately I'm so bummed out and only know partly why. I need something to pick me up. Tomorrow is LM's 9 month shots. So glad Daddy could get off to take her. I would but I past out at the sight of the needle. Hope she takes to them well.

Today I found a product that I really want to buy, it is a Home and Away baby monitor from "The First Years" I think it will be a great way that my husband can watch LM though out the day. Husband works 6/7 days a week from 9:00am until 12/1am so he is hardly ever home. Which I'm sure you will hear me bitching about it A LOT. But back to that monitor my concern is though is that I will feel all big brotherish and not be able to function right because someone is watching me. But I really want it so at any time he can see her and know how she is and if she does something new I can tell him just to get on his computer.

And what is up with this weather, EHHH!!! I hate hate the cold. Of course I am in Florida so it is only around 68 which to most isn't cold but to me I'm a whimp I hate it. But have to add this wind has been kicking. Tonight it is suppose to be around 44, not happy about that. Me and LM cuddled up in bed together because it was so damn cold to us. I really don't want to turn on my heater again, I do not like the smell it gives off when it is heating up and burning off the dust. I haven't had to turn it on since January.

Sleep last night. Fail

Oh my I want to go to sleep. Had a rough night last night. Had some crazy dreams, one about some damn snakes and when I woke up my little girls arm was across my face. Which I had thought that was a snake so I started screaming and woke her up as well. Then some crazy dream about Emeril Lagasse, some how he lived in a city to long and turned into the city somehow. Like some crazy morphing powers. Little miss also seemed to wanna wake up 100 times last night along with peeing though 3 diapers. So that was three times of changing her and her bed sheets.

Mommy and Me group Vent

What is on my mind? Humm, well the biggest issue for me lately is feeling like I do not fit in anywhere. Yeah I know, this sounds like something someone in their teens has problems with. But somehow I have found myself in that predicament.

Lets start off with the Mommy and me groups. Either I run into the problem of not being extreme enough for them or to extreme for the others. (Also lets not forget about the other factor of I'm a hot tempered red-head, and sometimes dealing with hormonal bitches is not in my to-do list of the day) I'm sorry I really don't believe in the whole Chiropractor for EVERYTHING. There are times when you need to go to the doctor. Along with what about the cost??? Also on the breastfeeding issue, yes I agree 100% that it is best and you should try to do it but there are those like me that desperately wanted to but could not. I tried for as long as I could but never got the supply along with having d-mer. I do not get the "parents" that spank I don't get how anyone can say that is right. I don't spank my husband for not taking out the trash, I don't spank my waitress for forgetting my drink refill, all of these cases I would be arrested, so how can you justify hitting a child because you can simply get away with it. Also no pregnancy is a mistake or a surprise, simply put you had sex and therefore no matter what precaution you took you CAN get pregnant. I am against letting babies cry-it-out. They are crying because they need something so be a parent what you signed up for and comfort your baby. 


To be Continued and this seems like it is turning into a Mommy Vent. LoL, This Momma needs to go to bed so I will finish tomorrow. :-)

ISO!!

Lately I have been feeling so lost. Doesn't seem like I have anywhere to fit in. (More on this topic on later blogs) But I need to find a way to get a new perspective on life. So maybe by taking up writing again I can try to figure out what to do with this life I have and where I want to go. In high school writing saved me and made me feel like a person that mattered. If you happen to stumble on this I'm not sure if I will ever tell who I really am or keep this as anonymous so I have the freedom to write about whatever that is on my Mind without any repercussions.  I will warn you that I have no clue what I will write about on a day to day basis, I sometimes have the worst grammar in the world, I ramble 99 percent of the time and you might not have a clue about what I'm writing about but this is for me not you. Though I do hope that something I have to say might help someone out.

More on who I am. I'm first of all a Mommy to an amazing little girl who is 9 1/2 months born in July 2011, I'm a wife been together almost 4 years, he is a great person that I love very dearly. And I am me in my mid-twenty's a little crazy at times and hot-tempered, anti-social, very far from "normal". I love the life that I have but something deep inside always wants more. Have a deep past and inner demons that somehow I need to let go of.